Abs! Abs! Abs!

America has gone bonkers over abs. Abs (short for abdominal musculature) have become a growth industry. The TV screen has exploded with gorgeous blond, blue-eyed, square-jawed specimens with washboard stomachs, preaching to us about fitness with an undue concentration on abs.

It is all part of the nation's obsession to achieve the perfect body.

On Sunday, May 17, a blow was struck on the part of the "Imperfect Man." An unlikely folk hero, David Wells, emerged from historical obscurity and pitched a perfect game at Yankee Stadium. It was only the 13th perfect game since 1880 ¬ 27 batters up, 27 batters retired. It was no fluke. He garnered 11 strikeouts and was in complete control.

David Wells is no matinee idol. He is a left-handed, 37-year-old, balding, pot-bellied, hard-drinking, mustachioed, mean-spirited, tatooed, happy-go-lucky, free-spirited curmudgeon. He looks like someone's not-so-favorite uncle.

Life hasn't been easy for David Wells. The Yanks are his fifth team in 12 years. He has been up, and he has been down. The last newsworthy event that involved David Wells before his perfecto was not even related to baseball. He was involved in a barroom brawl, and got a few good punches in on the other guy.

Right on, David!

You would never take him for an athlete. You would never believe he could accomplish so rare and wonderful a feat. Yet, there was Mayor Giuliani presenting him with the key to New York City.

Let me remember some other girthsome baseball heroes:

* Babe Ruth heads the list. With his spindly legs and bloated abdomen he hit 729 home runs in his baseball career. He consumed hot dogs as a food staple and was a great beer drinker. Right on, Babe!

* Hugh Casey, Brooklyn Dodgers relief pitcher, 1939-1948. He was a master when he came in from the bullpen. He was also an accomplished drinker. It was one of his pitches that struck Tommy Heinrich out in the 1941 World Series, and eluded Mickey Owens to allow the Yanks to beat Brooklyn.

* Fat Freddy Fitsimmons of the New York Giants also comes to mind as a pot-bellied hurler.

* Kirby Puckett, the oddly ¬ shaped Twins outfielder.

* John Kruk. The Philly first baseman had a pot belly.

* Roy Campanella. The lovable, chunky Roy was the best Dodger catcher of all time.

* Cecil Fielder. No svelte, slim, home run hitter was he.

* Fernando Valenzuela, the rotund Mexican pitcher.

It's a small list. Add your own names.

We pot-bellied middle-aged guys have been looking for a hero. Welcome, David Wells! We need vicarious idols to worship and adore.

So few! So few!