ONLINE EDITION FRIDAY NOVEMBER 23, 2001

News

"Raising Wonderful Children in Difficult Times," was the title of the talk by the novelist Susan Cheever as she addressed a crowd of well over 100 people at the East Hills School last Tuesday night, Nov. 13.

The World Trade Center disaster and the effect that may have on youngsters was obviously on people's minds. Indeed, a brochure prepared by the Roslyn School District for the event addressed that event head on. As did an enclosed copy of a recent column by Ms. Cheever, who writes about parenting matters once a week for Newsday.

However, Ms. Cheever's lecture centered on broader themes, such as the importance of parents being able to listen to their children and the special memories and lessons that come from parent/child relationships.

"Don't talk to your children; listen to your children," Ms. Cheever said, reciting some advice she had used in a previous column. "That's what's hard," she continued. "Listening is the most important thing you can do for your child."

As befitting her skills as a novelist, Ms. Cheever related several parenting stories to the audience. As a "good mother" story, Ms. Cheever told of a spiritual search that her now-teenage daughter went through. Ms. Cheever felt it was important that she didn't pass judgment as her daughter studied and then practiced various faiths, including Mormonism, as part of her spiritual search. Now, her daughter is an undergraduate at Princeton, where she studies theology, a field that has led her to learn several foreign languages.

Ms. Cheever also noted that we live in an age where "outsourcing of parenthood" has reached "extreme" levels. That is, there are "professionals for everything," people willing to teach a child not only how to drive a car, but how to play a variety of sports, musical instruments, and even how to study for SAT exams. From her own youth, Ms. Cheever recalled learning how to drive a stick shift from her father. It made for some cantankerous moments and comments from the teacher, but looking back, Ms. Cheever remained grateful for the time the two spent together.

Likewise, Ms. Cheever recalled both the long hours she spent on dusty infields playing ball with her son and the awkward moments that came when she taught her daughter how to swim. Her daughter's friends, Ms. Cheever said, might have had teachers who taught their students how to swim with finer strokes, but again, the time spent teaching her daughter how to swim was the more important factor. "When I look back on my life, what I remember is the connection [I make] to other people," Ms. Cheever said. In all, parent/child experiences are more valuable, in the long run, than whatever services the professionals may provide.

Before her talk, Ms. Cheever was introduced by RADA representatives, Claire Karpas and Mindy Sherman. Her talk was followed by a lengthy question and answer session, and an informal get-together with audience members. Some of the stories Ms. Cheever told during her lecture were culled from her most recent nonfiction book, As Good as I Could Be. She signed copies of both that book for local parents and also copies of novels by her father, John Cheever, himself one of the more renowned American novelists and short story writers of the past half-century.

Mr. Cheever won numerous awards and honors throughout his distinguished career and his daughter has been nominated for the National Book Critics Circle Award. In addition to her column at Newsday, Ms. Cheever is also a contributing writer for Architectural Digest. Over the past 20 years, Ms. Cheever has published five novels, a biography, and several memoirs, including the best selling Home Before Dark.