All of us know the grim statistics of breast cancer on Long Island, one in eight. We accept those numbers because today people speak openly about cancer. That support system is real and vital. It is saving lives. But domestic violence is taboo. Unless it is "there, in some other community." Anywhere, but here. We can recite the national abuse statistics on intimate abuse, but in spite of numerous studies and reports of domestic violence occurring in middle and upper class, educated, religious communities, there persists a quiet, but stubborn denial of the problem here and now. And that disbelief inadvertently contributes to a less than supportive culture, one in which a women being abused is more reluctant to seek help. There are many groups and individuals who are working to change the climate of denial and to create help and hope for those who suffer in silence.

Nearly 25 percent of women report that they have been raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, or date at some time

in their life, according to a report released July 13 by the U.S. Justice Department's National Institute of Justice (NIJ) and the Centers for Disease Control and

Prevention (CDC). Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence is based on the results of the National Violence Against Women Survey.

According to Elaine Weiss, Ed.D., a clinical associate professor at the University of Utah School of Medicine and author of Surviving Domestic Violence, Voices of Women Who Broke Free, studies estimate that 15 to 20 percent of Jewish women are abused - a rate comparable to that of non-Jewish women. She writes, "What is different about domestic violence in the Jewish community, though, is that Jewish women hesitate longer to ask for help, partly because it is not clear that their community will support them. The premise that Jewish men don't hurt their wives is so widely accepted that reports of abuse are frequently met with skepticism or outright disbelief. Especially in a close-knit Jewish community, where both spouses are well-known, friends and family may place the blame for the violence on the abused rather than the abuser. Many Jewish women feel a heavy responsibility for maintaining shalom bayit (domestic tranquility). If they cannot fulfill this role because of an abusive relationship, they feel inadequate. With little publicity about the extent of the problem in the Jewish community, and the persistence of the myth that domestic violence 'doesn't happen here,' women reason that the abuse must be their fault It is no wonder that Jewish women stay longer with abusive men than do non-Jewish women...by an average of five to seven years." In a study based in Los Angeles, it was found that there are no denominational differences, either-the rate of violence is the same among Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform Jews.

Jewish Women International (JWI) is a leading group in providing awareness, education and support for rabbis in addressing these problems. JWI publishes a guide for rabbis that teaches principles garnered from women's shelters and urges them to guide the women to local domestic violence programs and hotlines for more extensive help. But they stress that the recognition, acknowledgment and support from a spiritual leader is an important first plateau in a woman's courageous path toward help. The JWI message is that by speaking out about domestic violence, even here, we reduce the shame and isolation of those who live with intimate violence.

And what should we say if a friend confides in us? Promise and give her confidentiality. Idle words are dangerous. Believe her. Do not be judgmental. It may be tempting to say what you would do, but leaving is a complex decision and cannot be accomplished safely without a plan.

October is the month designated for awareness of domestic violence. It is a time for people to become better educated on the complexities of the problem and the services that are available. There is professional help available 24 hours a day in Nassau County at the Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline at 542-0404.

For more information about the services of Jewish Women International, call 202-857-1300 or visit their website at www.jewishwomen.org.