The screeching tabloid headline Grandparents Go To War in the New York Post was followed by a sober lead paragraph that read "Should grandparents be given visitation rights to their grandchildren even when the parents of the children object? The Supreme Court is set to settle this question when it hears the case of Troxel vs. Grenville. The article went on to describe the case. "Gary and Jennifer Troxel want to regain visitation rights to their granddaughters, but the girls' mother, Tommie Grenville, wants to keep her daughters away from their paternal grandparents. The girls' father, Brad Troxel, committed suicide in 1993".

Then the Post proceeded to give two complicated case studies where grandparents in Queens and Long Island have gone to court at considerable expense to maintain visitation rights that are being variously denied them by an alienated child, a surviving parent or a daughter-in-law who moved away with a new spouse.

Like the situation of the Cuban boy, Elian Gonzalez, and other touchy custody battles, these cases are not easy calls for anybody. Pity the judge whose opinion follows his or her conscience and legal learning and then is still forced to face a barrage of controversy and criticism. Conscience and expertise aside, the human element of having tasted the harsh experience of extreme family conflict will not convince an actual sufferer that a judge is an objective observer. The pain cuts deep, the hurt lasts long and forgiveness is grudging.

So how do we get a handle on grandparents' rights? These rights are now an actual legal category in a majority of our states. Even so, they are mired in confusion and in contradictory lower court decisions. That's why we heap the burden on unraveling this knot on the poor Supreme Court, our last refuge when we fail to work things out among ourselves. We ask the court to decide what we won't or can't.

In New, York State, for example, there is a law on grandparents rights to visitation. The law states that visitation may be granted where at least one of the child's parents is deceased or where circumstances show that conditions exist "which equity will see fit to intervene". Whatever that means. The law goes on to say that visitation must also be in the best interest of the child. The law allows for visitation by grandparents to be continued after adoption.

A little vague and confusing, but clear enough to see that our legal structure and public opinion thinks it is wrong to deprive grandchildren of the company of their grandparents and vice versa.

All this is granted in most states within a seemingly contradictory declaration that these rights should not adversely affect what is known as parental autonomy, the right of parents to raise their children as they see fit.

Have I lost you yet? This gets even more bizarre because the law that is being challenged in the Supreme Court, which passed in the State of Washington and was struck down by the lower courts, allowed, not only visitation rights to grandparents, which I approve, but visitation rights to almost anybody who petitioned the court, which I think is crazy.

All this hubbub is coming at a time when the statistics of grandparents playing the dominant parenting role in the lives of children is growing year by year.

Reports from around the country, confirmed by the intake records of our agency, show that the growth of broken families, single teenage mothers, drug addicted parents, parents with AIDS, parents who have died and parents who have divorced are reasons for the rise.

Given any other alternatives of raising children who have lost their parents or whose parents lack the capacity to provide a nurturing and safe home for the kids, grandparents may be the best alternative.

Blood ties are powerful. Generational relationships can have a magic all their own because of the culture of family life and even a biological base that some think only mothers and fathers have.

Children have a need to establish a firm identity in their historic roots. Witness the number of adopted children who are yearning to discover their birth families. This is best satisfied by living relatives whose lives encompass both the wisdom of the ages, and the travails of particular families within a historical framework.

Everybody knows about the often uncompromising love of a grandmother and a grandfather. We talk about these relationships as among the best we ever had. We grieve if grandparents died too early in our lives or if they were totally absent. There is a caveat here. There are cases where intrusive, destructive or abusive grandparents should be restricted.

But I regret the litigious nature of the present tug of war. We need a better system than the extreme adversarial one that inevitably takes place when war is declared by your lawyers and theirs.

We need specially trained personnel who work for a mediation system which should be legally sanctioned as the court of first use for grandparent-parent disputes. A grandparent can petition for a mediation to take place. If accepted by the parties, it can go forward in a reasonable time frame. If refused, and there is merit, a court can then order the mediation to take place. Let's see if those trained in conflict resolution can reduce the rancor and reduce the psychic havoc for all. It does no good when love is shattered forever and where bonds that need strengthening are severed. There are no winners here. Bitterness prevails and the intended affection for emotionally needy children dies on the vine.