By Marion S. Levine
Congressman Bill Paxon, of Buffalo, husband of former Congresswoman Susan Molinari, and father of baby Ruby, says he is quitting his promising political career. His epiphany came a few weeks ago while lying on the floor with his baby. He looked into her eyes with fatherly ecstasy and said to himself "How can I continue to be absent from home so much, missing these great moments, and allowing only Susan to have all the fun of raising this wonderful child? I quit!"
For a young and promising Republican leader, who might have been the next speaker of the House of Representatives, with the promise of further glory, not excluding a future residency in the White House, this was quite a sacrifice. Or was it?
There have been many signs recently that being a good father now means giving a priority to family life over one's job. A study done a few years ago showed that 75 percent of American fathers now say that they would trade rapid career advancement for more time with their families.
Usually a column like this one on the subject of modern fatherhood in America, would have to wait for the week before Father's Day. Being a father had deteriorated into a holiday theme, or even a sit-com joke, not a daily fact of life, with enormous consequences for the health of our society.
Dr. Charles Smith of the Human Development Cooperative Extension Service at Kansas State University has done a good job of placing modern fathers into categories. They are, of course, stereotypes, but they hold quite a bit of truth. Dr. Smith talks about his fathers as:
1. "The Wallet" - He's preoccupied with providing financial support for his family. He works long hours to bring home his paycheck. He does not take an active part in caring for his children. Making money provides him with a distraction from family involvement.
2. "The Rock" - He's tough on everyone, especially his kids. Strict on discipline and the boss of the family, he believes that a good father remains emotionally distant from the children, so expressions of affection are taboo.
3. "The Dagwood Bumstead" - He wants to be a real pal to his children, but his efforts are often clumsy or extreme. He doesn't understand his children and is confused about what to do to make them behave. He doesn't get good feedback from his family, so he feels he is not respected.
These father types have always been somewhat exaggerated, but we all recognize them as real. Now there is some good news. These less than adequate fathers are giving way to a better model. He is -
4. "The Caregiver" - This father tends to combine toughness with tenderness. He enjoys his children, but is not afraid to set firm but fair limits. He is positive in cooperating with his wife by sharing the burdens of childrearing and homemaking.
There is one big hitch to this rosier scenario. When it comes to fathering, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. The still terrible statistics of fathers not being in the lives of their children accounts for some of our most serious social problems. Seventy-five percent of the American public believes this to be so.
Today, 25 percent of our children live in mother only families, and 40 percent of all children will spend half of their childhood in fatherless homes. Absent fathers often contribute to angry and delinquent children. Unloving, punitive and authoritarian fathers tend to produce dependent, withdrawn, anxious and dejected children.
Whether fathers are separated or divorced from their wives, they should, in most cases, not be separated or divorced from their children. A loving father who spends considerable time with his children and who provides reasonable firm guidance, without arbitrarily imposing his will, promotes competence in his children.
There is also research that proves how important fathers are in the healthy sexual development of both boys and girls. We know that warm affectionate fathers make it easier for children to feel comfortable as males and females. They also have a positive influence on achievement and peer popularity in boys and in the personal adjustment of girls.
We still have a long way to go to make it easier for men to carry out their fatherly duties. There are powerful feelings, among many men in our society, that they are being cheated by law, custom, economic deprivation and physical circumstances from properly taking care of their children. They say they very much want to do their duty toward their children, if the society would be more helpful to them.
In June, 1995, a presidential order declared that the federal government must review its programs and policies with the purpose of strengthening the role of fathers in families.
Maybe the Congress should have taken heed by making their own practices more family friendly, so that Congressman Paxon could have stayed on. But, then again, maybe Congressman Paxon has the right idea. That is, better to be a good daddy, than a successful politician whose children grow up alienated and troubled, with the complaint that their father was never around, when they needed him most. Just as motherhood has become enshrined, so should fatherhood. No more TV jokes. Sixty-one million men are fathers. This is a large number and should be taken seriously. Dad is one important dude. Let's give him the respect he deserves.
