"September 11 has touched us all in ways that are still emerging into our consciousness.

We need each other more than we knew and

we need to find new depths within ourselves."

(Quote taken from the Rowe Camp and Conference Center Brochure)

In light of the recent trauma to our community and to our nation, many children and their parents are struggling to cope with increased uncertainty and the related emotional distress. In many cases children are exhibiting more frequent outbursts of impulsivity and aggressiveness and are experiencing either heightened emotional detachment or neediness. These behaviors often are amplified among special needs children who, under more normal circumstances, find it difficult to cope effectively with stress and to communicate feelings to others. As a result, these children often evidence a low frustration tolerance and a heightened tendency to act out behaviorally.

During this critical time of healing and adjustment, it is vital for parents to remain available to their children physically as well as emotionally. Expressing fears, wishes, and questions does not come naturally for all, particularly during times of stress or trauma. Creating a home environment that fosters open and honest dialogue, while simultaneously maintaining structure and consistency, can greatly improve a child's ability to appropriately express emotions both verbally and behaviorally. There are many things that you can do with your child to create and maintain this quality of home environment:

* Engage in conversations with your child; do not wait for him to come to you.

* Participate in soothing, repetitive activities with your child. The repetition has a calming effect on your child. These activities may include baking or working with clay. Building with blocks and playing with dolls are also recommended. These play activities help your child to relax, increasing the likelihood that she will open up to you.

* Let your child know that it is OK to ask questions and to share his fears and wants.

* Role-model by acknowledging your feelings in a manner that is age-appropriate for your child. Your child needs to be able to tell you about what is going on in the world, in school, or with friends that worries her.

* Explain particular events that have affected your child's life or the lives of friends at school in an age-appropriate manner.

* Communicate to your child that his feelings, such as fear, anxiety, sadness and vulnerability are natural and normal reactions to stress and that it is very helpful to discuss these feelings with you.

* Remember, there is no such thing as having "no feelings," particularly regarding a highly emotional issue or trauma. "No feelings" is most effectively translated as "these feelings are too powerful or too overwhelming to deal with at this time." This does not mean that these feelings have no effect on your child's health and well-being. It simply means the feelings may not be dealt with directly at the present time.

* Listen to your child's concerns and take them seriously.

* Let your child know that you will remain available to talk to her, to answer her questions as honestly and as best as you can.

* Calm your child's fears by reassuring him of your love and by letting him know that this love will be with him always, no matter what.

* Discuss with your child what your family will do in atypical situations - chain of communication, phone numbers, neighbors/friends' homes to go to if getting home is difficult.

Our children are growing up in a world that is forever changed. The "normalcy" of old is an achronism in the post-9/11 world. Our new "normal" is one that has much that is familiar, set against a backdrop of much that is in flux, leaving many questions to be addressed from unfamiliar paradigms. It is imperative that all adults within a community be prepared to foster a sense of security and stability for all children, not just their own family members. The emotional experience of nurturance and safety is an unpredictable and threatening world can be determining factors in the healthy development of children. We all must function as responsible, sensitive role models to ensure the future for all children.

(Kristin D. Schaefer, Ph.D. and Maryann B. Schaefer, Ph.D. are Manhasset residents with private practices in Manhasset and New York City.