''My doctor has retired, and I'm writing an ad to help me catch a new one on the Internet,'' said Aunt Dee. ''I'm listing the qualities he has to have.''

I admired Aunt Dee's cutting-edge approach to her problem. ''Does it have to be a he?'' I asked.

''No, but I have enough lady friends. Maybe too many. It would be nice to have a man in my life,'' she said wistfully.

''What qualifications are you demanding?'' I inquired. She put a paper in my hand, and I read:

I He is up on all the latest diseases, treatments and medicines.

II He has a sense of humor to laugh at my jokes.

III He calls back the same day when I leave a message, and doesn't leave me on hooks.

IV He is very busy, but he can always make room for me.

V He listens to my aches and pains, but doesn't tell me that I'm dying without good reason. Instead he gives me advice that helps.

VI He doesn't send me for terrible tests unless they are going to help. I don't have to know I have a crooked liver if it can't be straightened!

VII He remembers my name even if I haven't seen him for a long time.

VIII He keeps appointments pretty much on time, even if I'm late.

IX He has a gentle touch and a warm stethoscope.

X He answers questions in English without rushing me. If he doesn't know the answer he looks it up. Then at least I know he's honest.

''When are you going to put this list on the Internet?'' I asked.

''Maybe next month,'' she replied. ''I don't need a doctor now, so why should I waste my time looking at answers.''