Have you ever experienced terrorism? Perhaps you remember when the ''Son of Sam'' was stalking the city or you escaped the World Trade Building bombing or canceled a trip to a country that was rife with threats of terrorism or were compelled to fly immediately after a tragic airline bombing. Remember the sense of foreboding, the prickly feeling as the hair on the back of your neck rose, the sudden flush, the erratic heart throbbing. The body moves into a high state of alert with every sense heightened, every noise magnified, every nuance of a voice monitored and an underlying feeling of being the prey.

To say that women who live with men who are abusers are afraid minimizes the situation. They live with domestic terrorism. Even when home life is outwardly peaceful, the threat of violence erupting over an important or trivial matter is always constant. It is the dread, the anticipation of the unexpected that changes pure fear into terror. Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive control that clouds daily life. Most often, it is a secret.

What puts a person at highest statistical risk for being subjected to domestic violence? Simply being born a woman. In an interview with the Executive Director of the Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Sandy Oliva, she discussed the scope of their services. She was joined in the discussion by the director of Education and Community Services, Joan Sculli, and Board member Honey Heller. As an outgrowth of their mission to "mitigate, treat and prevent the occurrence and consequences of violence in the home," the Coalition now also provides help for women who have been raped or sexually assaulted.

The Coalition Against Domestic Violence is a private, not-for-profit organization funded in part by The Great Neck United Community Fund, The Garden City Community Fund, The Community Chest of Port Washington, and United Way of Long Island.

The discussion began with the topic of domestic violence.The safety of the woman and her children are of the utmost importance and undergirds the way the programs operate and the staff members act and react at all times. When a woman calls the domestic abuse hotline that is staffed by experienced counselors 24 hours a day, seven days a week, she is assured of her anonymity, as her name, phone number and address are not taken. In 1998 alone, this hotline received 5,987 calls. That means that on average, almost every hour of the day, every day of the week in Nassau County, a terrorized woman is making a call for help.

The only exception to the policy of the agency's never initiating a call to a woman is the procedure for the police partnership program. After a domestic violence arrest is made, the precinct faxes information to the Coalition and a trained advocate calls the woman to help her understand the criminal justice process and to give information about the safe emergency housing, legal assistance, counseling and other services provided by the Coalition. Calls are never made to the woman unless it is known that the abuser is under arrest.

Perhaps the best known component of the Coalition's many programs is the Safe Home that can shelter up to 15 people at a time. Women and their children may stay there for up to 90 days while they begin to rebuild their lives. In this safe environment, the location which is zealously guarded, individual and group counseling is available. Children are enrolled in nearby schools and receive special counseling as many of them have been traumatized by scenes of violence in the home. There is practical help for transportation, medical care and housing. A woman's greatest fear of how to support herself and her children and begin to live independently is anticipated by the staff and the programs help her step by step to attain her goals.

For some women and their children, transitional housing in apartment settings is available for up to two years, as some women need the extra time to become self-sufficient.

Some women come to the agency for counseling and develop a plan to leave the abuser using their own resources. They become more educated about the pattern of coercive control, their rights, and most of all, they become less isolated. If a woman goes to court for an order of protection, an advocate from the Coalition is available to help her maneuver the court system if she so chooses. The Coalition certainly helps women who are in dire financial straits, but their experience and counsel is used and needed by women who are financially comfortable as well.

The question is often asked, "Why do women stay?" Actually, most women leave. Sixty percent leave after the first or second attack and do not require Coalition services. But in order to address the question of why those 40 percent stay, another relevant question needs to be asked, "Why do men abuse?" According to Ms. Sculli, a man who is an abuser is unconsciously afraid of abandonment. He usually demonstrates extreme jealousy, which may be flattering to the woman at first. But the jealousy extends to all of her relationships, and to placate him, the woman begins to withdraw from friends and family. When the violence begins, she may withdraw even further from her network of support because of the shame she feels. When the abuser feels helpless and out of control, he will "set up" a scenario at home that will give an outlet to his rage.

Ms. Oliva and Ms. Sculli agreed that his violence is a decision, a choice about how to handle anger. Oftentimes, outside of home, the abuser does not exhibit violent behavior and can control his temper. Some men are careful to hit areas of the body that can be concealed by clothing. The recidivism rate for offenders, even those in counseling, is high, since they often deny having a problem, avoid taking responsibility for it and instead blame their conduct with women on external factors.

The rape and sexual assault 24 hour hotline is also staffed seven days a week. In 1998 the center received over 626 calls. The Coalition's SAFER program is established at the emergency rooms of Nassau County hospitals. The Center is called when a person arrives who has been sexually assaulted and a specially trained volunteer comes to the emergency room to provide comfort and help. The SAFER advocate cares for personal needs like fresh clothes and calls to loved ones, making sure that the individual is aware of all the help available. Counseling is not only available to the person raped, but to family members as well.

The Coalition has many outreach, educative programs. Last year 13,370 people became more knowledgeable about intimate violence and how to prevent it. One such program is the Date Rape Prevention program that is specially geared to college students and helps them understand the responsibilities and risks associated with sex in relationships. For elementary school children, the Coalition offers a presentation entitled, ''Hands are not for Hitting and Words are not for Hurting.''

Training for related professionals in recognizing and safely working with abuse situations is also available. According to Ms. Sculli, if a family comes into a consultative interview with a therapist, with a presenting problem such as an acting-out teen, the family session will not provide the safety for abuse issues to emerge. The Coalition training may be invaluable in helping therapists spot telltale signs of domestic abuse.

As abuse appears to escalate when a woman is pregnant, the Coalition provides training and technical assistance to local community groups working with pregnant women.

In recent years, there has been a mounting awareness of elder abuse. In fact, the statistics that indicate that men are abused too, are reflective of men over 60 who are abused at a much higher rate than men in any other age group. The Coalition does outreach at senior centers throughout Nassau County to help those programs identify and help seniors who are being abused or neglected.

One of the gaps in services in the past has been the lack of a Safe Home that also provides substance abuse treatment and detox services. In an innovative, bi-county cooperative program, the Coalition and the Victims Information Bureau of Suffolk County will be opening such a home in the near future.

To reach the administrative office for more information about the Coalition's education programs and volunteer opportunities, call 572-0700. For the Domestic Abuse Hotline, call 542-0404. For the Rape and Sexual Assault Hotline, call 222-2293.

The Coalition provides a door for women to escape from domestic terrorism, but it takes an act of real courage for a woman to open that door.

(Editor's note: A Closer Look: Intimate Violence is the second in a series of articles about services available to families.)