Due to residential requests, The Garden City Life is printing First Deputy Mayor Barbara Miller's comments from the Sept. 20 Board of Trustees meeting...

I join the Mayor and my fellow trustees in extending my thoughts and prayers to all who were victimized by last Tuesday's horrific terrorist attack on our country: the injured, the dead, the missing, as well as these victims' loved ones, friends, co-workers, and neighbors.

I also want to extend a particular thanks to the firefighters, police, health care workers and the volunteer rescuers who have worked so hard during this continuous rescue and recovery effort.

What makes this an especially difficult time for us as a society, as a community--is that I believe that we, as a community, in varying degrees, are experiencing what noted family social scientist Pauline Boss coined "ambiguous loss" (NYT, 9/20/01, page B11).

Why? Because, as residents have clearly stated to me, we all await the verification of the victims-- whether it be the fate of loved ones, friends, co-workers and/or community members. Some we know personally. Some we may not. But, as a community, we know them all and therefore, we experience these losses as a community loss. Residents have phoned me or stopped me in a store or on the train and asked, 'How many residents or family members of residents have we lost?'

Unfortunately, I have not been able to give them an answer that clarifies the total number or names they hear about. Residents tell me that they want to know so that they can find some way to extend their condolences to their fellow residents. They say that a list of names coming from a reliable source would - hopefully - clear up any rumors regarding the total number they hear when standing in a supermarket, the cleaners or at the bus stop.

Such a list would allow them to make an appropriate call to a family/neighbor/friend of a missing person instead of being frozen - afraid to call because it may be a rumor and they do not want to upset a family if it isn't true.

Residents tell me that they find it helpful when names are mentioned in the newspaper or at a religious service. But sometimes it is too late and then they miss the opportunity to grieve with a group, to attend a service or in some cases, there are multiple services held at different sites on the same day.

When I reflected on what these residents were saying, it seemed to me that the lack of a verified list and/or posting of services contributes to our experience of "ambiguous grief." We remain a community frozen in the grieving process.

Residents have offered a number of suggestions that they think might help them during this stressful time. The "not knowing" is what makes this situation even worse. A few of their suggestions are: The Village:

* Coordinate a verified list of Garden City victims (loved ones -deceased, missing, and/or injured).

* Find an appropriate method for sharing such a list with the community.

* Sometime in the near future -implement a village-wide event of "Remembrance" in order to give recognition and tribute to those who were lost.

Perhaps we should all think about whether these individuals should be recognized as Garden City's American heroes. I know I think about them as that. I think of their suggestions as "unfreezing grief interventions" -interventions that would assist us to heal as a community. They would give everyone the opportunity to grieve together or privately, if they choose. At least we would know as a community.

If implemented, I think it would contribute to our emerging from this horrific crisis as an even stronger community, which of course is a primary goal of any crisis intervention plan. I believe that Fred Benton Holmberg's Anguish (1973) captures my current feelings regarding this past week's crisis and I believe it reflects the feelings residents expressed to me this past week.

I hurt.

Like all the species of my kind, I hurt.

Sometimes the hurt is grounded in a reality that could produce nothing but pain, [such as this horrific terrorist attack]

Yet sometimes [it feels that] this hurt is born of imagination and fabricated ideas and things [Did this horrific thing really happen?]

I hurt, you hurt; the whole world hurts.

We are in anguish and

We cry out in bewilderment born of ignorance,

[We cry out] in pain born of misplaced choices,

[We cry out] in tears born of loneliness

Anguish is a lonely thing.

Sometimes the tears come when you least expect them and

At what seems the most inappropriate moment,

But is there really ever an inappropriate moment for a tear?

Anguish. [We] hurt. That is enough.