ONLINE EDITION FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 21, 2001

News

In the wake of last week's terrorist attacks, Long Islanders have been subjected to one of the worst tragedies in the country's history. While it may be difficult for adults to comprehend what has happened and why, it is even more perplexing for youngsters. Children, regardless of their age, experience many of the same feelings adults do but may not know how to express or deal with them.

The Garden City School District's primary school staff researched and prepared a guide to helping children in times of crisis, noting parents should avoid having their children watch graphic television images and those that have need to talk out their emotions in an effort to process information. Parents are also urged to take care of their own needs. If your child is experiencing grief, chances are that you are too. If you do not take care of your own needs, you will have limited patience and understanding to deal with the grief of others, especially children, experts said.

For further information call Bernice-Theresa Avecedo, principal; Michelle Pietrafesa, assistant principal; or Lisa Fleiger, school psychologist, at 294-3091.

Talking to children about the tragic events that occurred in New York City and Washington D.C. last Tuesday is necessary, according to experts. Clinical experts provide parents with the following tips to help their child through such a tragedy:

Every child, regardless of his or her age, reacts to things differently and understands things at different levels. Parents must use their own judgment to determine how much their child can comprehend. Do not compare their reactions or feelings to other children and understand that their response is not wrong, just different.

A great deal of children will need reassurance that something bad will not happen to them. Many children will immediately associate the tragedy with themselves, wanting answers to such questions as "Did I do something wrong?" "What will happen to me?" or "How will this affect me?"

Children need to know they can express what they are feeling without fear of shame or judgment. Reassure them that anger, guilt, sadness and tears are normal responses to loss. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and let them know it's okay if they don't understand why it happened. "Children are going to want to understand something they can't," Gary Dunn, director, South Nassau Communities Hospital's counseling center, said. "This is something that can't even be comprehended by adults."

Most children under the age of 9 do not have a clear understanding of death. Many associate it with an illness or old age while others know that certain people are in "dangerous" lines of work.

"Kids whose fathers are in high-risk jobs deal with the danger of the job on a daily basis," Thomas Demaria, Ph.D., administrative director of Behavioral Health Services at South Nassau Communities Hospital's counseling center, said. "There is not the expectation that a parent who is an accountant went to work but never made it home. They associate a soldier with war, a police officer with crime, but have a hard time understanding why someone would attack a business building."

Use simple language in a direct approach when addressing your child and provide honest, clear and direct answers to their questions. Parents sometimes withhold information from children if they think it might be hurtful. Not informing children of crisis situations usually causes them to arrive at their own conclusions and their minds can conjure up dreadful ideas. Children also react to a parent or loved one's behavior. You might think you are acting like nothing has changed, but children are intuitive and detect a problem.

"Most children know something is wrong because they pick up clues from their parents," Ellen Voght, CSW, clinical coordinator of Child and Adolescents Services at South Nassau Communities Hospital's counseling center, said. "If a parent is acting scared, upset or not themselves, the child will get scared. They know something is going on, but how much they understand depends on the individual child."

What looks like bad behavior could be grief. Children may not have the verbal skills or emotional insight to express their feelings. Try to understand the message or feeling being expressed by their behavior. The older the children, the more capable they are of expressing themselves in words. Younger children simply use their feelings. What they do with their bodies typically speaks their feelings. Movement and activity play a large role in their ability to communicate. "The best approach is to sit your kids down and ask them what they know or what they think is going on," Ellen Voght, CSW, clinical coordinator of Child and Adolescent Services at South Nassau Communities Hospital's counseling center, said. "Stay away from ethnic-related comments," she said. "Use expressions such as 'bad people' or 'accident." Like adults, children experience different stages of grieving and the process will be variable. A child may ask you to explain the same things over and over again. Understand that younger children may not fully understand and are therefore, having a difficult time trying to cope. Explain to children they will experience highs and lows and understand they will experience short- and long-term feelings of sadness, anxiety and depression. Hugging them and telling them they are loved will enforce a positive outlook. Children do best with routines, particularly at home and school. Structure and normalcy are necessary. "Kids are great with routines," Voght said. "When you change their routine, they know something is up." Enabling youngsters to become involved with such humanitarian acts is socially constructive for children who, like adults, are searching for a way to make a difference and lend support. Let your child pick a charity or fund to send money to or have them personally donate food or supplies to your local collection center.

While everyone handles tragedy differently, and one's reaction depends greatly on the individual and the situation at hand, many behavior patterns are age-specific. The following is a list of several age-appropriate characteristics to look for if a loved one has suffered a tragedy:

Preschool: crying, thumb-sucking, loss of bowel/bladder control, fear of being left alone or of strangers, irritability, confusion and immobility.

Latency age: Headaches or other physical complaints, depression, fears about safety, confusion, inability to concentrate, poor performance, fighting, withdrawal from peers.

Preadolescent/adolescent: Headaches or other physical complaints, depression, confusion, poor performance, aggressive behaviors, withdrawal/isolation, changes in peer groups or friends.

Adult: Psychosomatic problems such as ulcers or heart trouble, withdrawal, suspicion, irritability, anger, loss of appetite, sleep problems, loss of interest in everyday activities, alcohol use.

Senior citizens: depression, withdrawal, apathy, agitation, anger, irritability, suspicion, disorientation, confusion, memory loss, accelerated physical decline, increase in number of somatic complaints.