Edith & Jack Sheppard

Bon Voyage

View Tinglish While Traveling Abroad

In an earlier column some time ago, we shared the fun of Richard Lederer's book, Anguished English, "flubs and fluffs, goofs and gaffes and boners and boo-boos about the use and abuse of our English language," especially the chapter for travelers on the literal translations-use of our language abroad.

His amusing follow-up book, Bride of Anguished English also deserves sharing with you, as one of the pleasures of travel is hearing and reading "Tinglish" (tourist English). With a low bow to Mr. Lederer, here goes:

An ad in Egypt advertising a donkey ride: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?" A Roman Turkish Bath sign: "Be pleased to come lie down with our masseuse. She will make you forget all your tired." In a Hong Kong costume shop window: "This merchandise is to be used for turning a trick on Halloween." In the 1960s, a Leningrad Airport sign read: "This is Leningrad Airport and you are welcome to it." The Shanghai Airport sign: "The water in this airport has been passed by the Quarantine Authority." On a Greek ferry sign: "In case of an emergency, passengers will proceed to muster stations following yellow arrows wearing life jackets." A Vietnamese boat sign reads: "Nobody is allowed to sit on the both sides of the boat." A Le Touquet sign says: "Instructions to Users of the ascenseur, Persons ignorant of the maneuvers of the ascenseur are prayed instantly to address themselves to the concierge. (Follows, an hilarious set of directions on use of the elevator.)

Instructions on Japanese Rules of the Road: "At the rise of the hand of the policeman, stop rapidly. Do not pass him, otherwise disrespect him. Do not explosion the exhaust pipe. Avoid entanglement with your wheel spoke. Go soothingly on the grease mud as there lurks a skid demon," etc., etc.

Hotel signs include: An African hotel advises, "You may choose between a room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country." In Madrid: "If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid." A Sorrento hotel: "The concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait last minutes. Then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences." In a Tuscany hotel brochure: "This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world come here to enjoy its solitude." An Amalfi hotel advertises: "Suggestive views from every window." A Zurich hotel claims: "We have nice bath and are very good in bed." TV in a Belgrade hotel: "If set breaks, inform manager. Do not interfere with yourself." A Belgrade hotel informs: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." A Yugoslavia hotel posting: "Let us know about an unficiency as well as leaking on the service. Our utmost will improve it." A Budapest hotel advisory: "All rooms not denounced by twelve o'clock will be paid for twicely." Leipsig's hotel room sign: "Ladies, please rinse out your teapots standing upside down in sink. In no event should ho bottoms be placed on counter." Notice on all floors of Florence hotel: "Fire! It is what we can be doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down, everywhere, a prayer always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out." Israel's hotel room service advises: "If you wish for breakfast, lift our telephone and the waitress will arrive." "This will be enough to bring your food up." A Beirut hotel sign asks: "Ladies are kindly requested not to have their babies in the cocktail bar." A Bulgarian hotel comments: "If you are satisfactory, tell your friends. If you are unsatisfactory, warn the waitress." A promise from an Indonesian hotel: "Someday laundry service." A Tokyo hotel advises: "It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing, is please not to read notes." A Barcelona hotel courtyard warns: "No automobiles, Pederosts only." An Istanbul hotel notice reads: "Flying water in all rooms. You may bask in sun on patio." Another says: "To call the room service, please open door and call room service." A Seville hotel advises: "Those who will require bathing, please to notice the chambermaid." A Torremolinas hotel poster: "Take Discotheque with or without date, in summer plus open air bonging bar." Travelers to sun-drenched Amman are invited to "Cool off in the shadiest Cocktail Bar in town."

Interesting foreign menus: A Swiss restaurant promises: "Our wines will leave you nothing to hope for." In Shanghai: "Our Mongolean hot pot buffet guarantees you will be able to eat all you wish until you are fed up." In an Indian eatery: "Our establishment serves tea in a bag like mother." On an Italian menu: "Please pay the house waiter the price of your consummation." Indonesia's Jikarta Hilton's restaurant advertises "Grill and Roast your clients." In a Hong Kong Family-Style Restaurant: "Come broil yourself at your open table." A Tokyo restaurant requests: "Please do not bring outside food excluding children under five." A Japanese steak house advertises its house specialty: "Teppon Yaki, before your cooked right eyes!" From a Chinese menu: "Mr. Zheng and his fellow workers like to meet you and entertain you with hostility and unique cooking technique."

Now, professional interpreters ads: "Are you unable to express your in English? I can help you in the right earnest." and "We guarantee strickly confidentiality."

We do hope you enjoyed the well meaning foreign advice for travelers, seriously translated from the English, courtesy of Richard Lederer.